Vulnerable post: for several weeks my body has been telling me that I am exhausted from carrying a weighty load and it is about to crash. I am a solo carer. My 2 youngest kiddos are both autistic, and have had major incidents that have unsettled them quite dramatically. All the while carrying my own traumas, insecurities and a autoimmune disease that is out of remission. I am feeling very human, frail and unwell. Today I am sitting in the sunshine, with a brisk breeze sweeping in. I am feeling all my aches and pains. Both physically and emotionally. I'm also feeling the warmth of the sun on a winter day. And the freshness of the wind as it blows my unruly hair. I'm hearing the leaves blowing across the deck, and on the trees. Almost like an ocean sound. I'm noticing all my available senses as I breathe and feel and see. And even though I feel feeble I feel like I will be okay.
Since writing this post, one by one my kiddos and I succumbed to Covid. I am still recovering but have a bit of energy returning. As you can imagine, it has been a struggle but also a restful time in being unable to leave home. So I've been rediscovering my favourite spaces where the sunshine stretches into the house, or the shadows from empty limbs hit on the walls. The daffodils, snowdrops and jonquils are all bursting with colour, and although my sense of smell is gone, I can imagine the scent. I call times like this an enforced rest from the "normal busy" and settle into this new way of being.